It's only been about six months since I officially became an LLC, and only three months since I've been working at it full time... but if I'm honest, this is something that's affected me as an entrepreneur and photographer long before I paid my taxes.
When you start sharing your work with family, friends and strangers; the highs get high and the lows get low. It's a constant battle between feeling confident and then completely defeated, all in the same day. It's an internal war to find worth and strength in the mundane and lonely world of a single member LLC.
You engage and network with other entrepreneurs, which pushes you and opens you up to so many exciting opportunities and ideas... but it can also cause heartache when you find yourself "below average." I'm a dreamer and a doer - I have huge goals for Hannah Leigh. I'm the kind of person who can get swept up in excitement and passion when opportunities present themselves, only to fall deep into the pit of self-doubt and uncertainty.
The highs are high and the lows are low. During a wedding or a shoot I get a mini adrenaline rush from the pressure and stress, I feel fulfilled and purposeful. I feel alive! But what about when I don't have a shoot for a week... or two... or three. The thoughts in my mind start to belittle my purpose and what once felt fulfilling is now my ultimate downfall. And here I am, realizing that I will NEVER be fully satisfied chasing after my dream. I will ALWAYS have high highs and low lows.
But then there's grace.
When my highs are high, my joy is in Him. When my lows are low, my joy is in Him. My true purpose is not to take amazing photos or gain a bunch of followers.. or even to have a wedding every weekend to blog and share. I will not feel fulfilled when I can charge a premium or when I'm able to "choose" my ideal clients. My purpose, my fulfillment, must start at the cross. Anything else will only fall tragically short of the truth that is in Christ.
I will continue to struggle with my sense of fulfillment as my to-do list dictates my purpose. I will always have a sense of disappointment when I look to my own ability and successes as a sense of worth. But when I turn to the true meaning of fulfillment and purpose, when I look to Jesus as my savior and king, I will find a joy that last through the highs and lows. My confidence will be in Him and my worth won't depend on my performance. There is freedom in the cross.